Transcript - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Season 05, Episode 09

Episode Title: Mac and Dennis Break Up

Original Airdate: November 12, 2009

Disclaimers and Credits. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia appears on FX Network. This episode was written by Scott Marder and Rob Rosell, it was directed by Fred Savage. The series was developed by Rob McElhenney (Mac), Glenn Howerton (Dennis Reynolds), and Charlie Day (Charlie Kelly). Kaitlin Olson plays the role of Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds, and Danny Devito joined the cast during the second season to play Frank Reynolds. The opening theme song is titled "Temptation Sensation" by Heinz Kiessling. This transcript has been transcribed for educational purposes only, it is not the original script, and it is posted here without the permission, approval, or authorization of the production company involved. The use of this material is intended for personal educational purposes only. Any other use of this material is strictly prohibited.

Characters appearing in this episode:

Mac Dee Charlie
Dennis Police Officer Frank Waiter

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12:00 P.M. On a Friday. Philadelphia, PA.

Mac [Knocking on Dee’s apartment door]: Dee, Dee, Dee, Dee. Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee, Sweet Dee.

Dennis [simultaneously]: Hey!

Dee: What?

Mac: Hey.

Dennis [confused]: Hey, hmm.

Mac: What the hell is this?

Dee [remembering that she got a cat]: Oh, yeah.

Dennis: Uh-oh.

Mac: And so it begins….

Dee: What are you talking about? I got a cat, so what?

Mac: Congratulations, Dee, you’ve begun your transformation into “Crazy Cat Lady.”

Dee: I didn’t begin a transformation, I just got a cat because I wanted something to hang out with. I don’t have a roommate or anything, and I don’t really have anyone to talk to. So I got a cat.

Dennis: If you listen to yourself, you would realize (that) you’re only strengthening our argument.

Dee: Ok, what do you want?

Mac: I need a big bowl for popcorn.

Dennis: Yeah! Mac and Dennis Movie Night! Tuesday night is Movie Night! We’re going to watch Predator, again.

Dee: You guys don’t have a bowl?

Dennis: Uh…we don’t have a big one, no.

Mac [in the background, looking for a popcorn bowl]: We don’t have one for what we need, Dee.

Dee: Alright, be careful, come on! Are you serious?

Mac [still searching]: Here are some cups, some saucers….

[Responding to Dee] Yeah(, I’m serious).

[finding the bowl] Oh! Bingo! (I found it.)

Dennis [congratulating Mac]: Nice.

Dee: Yeah, you found it! Why did both of you have to come over here to get one bowl?

Dennis: It’s more fun if we both come.

Mac: Yeah, I was going to hold the bowl while Dennis stood next to me and making snide comments.

Dennis: Oh yeah, that’s right. [points to Dee] Oh, you look like a bird. That’s one.

Mac: Nah…(that one’s kind of) old. Pick a new one, do you have a new one?

Dennis: It’s an ‘Oldie but Goodie.’

Mac: He comes up with good ones.

Dee: Yeah, no, that was a good one.

Dee: I don’t understand why you can’t make snide remarks and hold a bowl at the same time, though.

Dennis: You’re fixating too much on the bowl aspect of it. Dude, put it this way: If the two of us didn’t come together, what if one of us were to get in a jam? It would be silly not to have the other one there.

Mac [Supporting Dennis’s argument]: Silly Dennis? That sounds downright dangerous.

[To Dee] See, you’ll never get out of a jam because you’ve got no friends.

Dennis: Well, you’re a spinster.

Dee: Mmm-hmm.

Mac [again, supporting Dennis’s argument]: A lonely spinster, with a cat.

Dee: Those are all funny. It’s funny because I feel like you guys are two co-dependent losers who are so wrapped up in eachother that it’s hard to see how pathetic your lives are. It’s like you’re an old married couple.

Mac: No Dee, we’re more like a dynamic duo.

Dee [interrogating]: So you don’t think that two thirty-year-old men who spend every waking moment together is a little bit pathetic?

Mac [defensively]: We don’t spend every waking moment together. What are you, crazy?

Dee: Oh yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry.
When was the last time you went an hour without seeing eachother?

Dennis: All the time.

Mac: Everyday.

Dennis: Yeah.

Dee: Without checking in?

Mac [thinking]: He always checks in with me.

Dennis: He likes to have me check it but, I mean, it’s not like I have to.

Dee: Enjoy that movie, loners.

Mac: She doesn’t know anything about friendship, dude.

Dennis: No, how could she? She doesn’t have any friends.

Mac [repeating Dee]: "An old married couple."

Mac [also laughing]: That’s what she called us.

Opening theme and introduction (~2.21 – 2.51)

Dennis [enters the apartment]: Hey yo!

Mac: Yo, where (have) you been?

Dennis: What do you mean? I was getting the movie.

Mac: Yeah, but you weren’t answering any of my calls, I’ve been calling you, [taps phone] over and over again.

Dennis: I was having a conversation with the video store clerk.

Mac: Yeah, but I texted you “9-11,” dude.
That means it’s an emergency.

Dennis: Yeah, I saw that.

Mac: Yeah.

Dennis: Um…what was the emergency, Mac?

Mac: Well I couldn’t get in touch with you, dude. I almost called the police.

Dennis: The police? That’s a bit of an over reaction, how long was I gone for? One hour?

Mac: Yeah, but I thought we had a deal: You would check in every once in a while and that way, I would

know that you were ok.

Dennis [dismissive]: Ok, I’m ok. I’m sorry, can we watch the movie?

Mac: Yeah. Great. Sure.

Dennis: Yeah.

Mac [Looks at the movie Dennis brought and reads]: The Transporter 2 [then looks at Dennis].

Dennis: Yeah, look man, I know you wanted to see Predator again but I feel like we’ve seen that 30 times in the last two months and thought that maybe we can mix things up. (The) video store clerk guy said that this movie is awesome so….

Mac [jealous]: The video store clerk guy, I feel like you won’t stop talking about him.

Dennis: I asked him for a movie recommendation.

Mac: Yeah, and you got one.

Dennis: Ok, it’s really not that big of a deal.

Mac: Well, the big deal, Dennis, is that I wasn’t even consulted on the decision, ok? And this is a big deal to me as well. It’s also my night. Plus, Transporter 2, we haven’t seen Transporter 1 which means we’ll be completely lost.

Dennis [interjects]: I doubt that we’ll be completely lost watching Transporter 2 before watching Transporter 1.

Mac: Plus Jason Statham’s physique is nothing like the lineup in Predator.

Dennis: Ok, will you stop? I don’t want to have conversations anymore about mens’ physiques, and whether they can….

Mac: Dennis, in body mass alone, the actors in the movie Predator are far superior to that of Jason Statham, the star (actor) of Transporter 2.

Dennis: That’s what I was trying to avoid, a conversation about body mass, ok? We’ve had that conversation five times a day for the last month because we keep watching Predator and all you talk about is Wheathers, and Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and how many pounds they can pack on.

Mac: It’s important to pack on mass. [Points to fingers as to describe a list] You’re talking about carbo loading, etc….

Dennis [Interrupts] I don’t want to have this conversation with you anymore.

Mac: No, you’d rather have conversations with video store clerks.

Dennis: You know what, man? If you don’t want to watch the movie with me, that’s fine. [Grabs the movie from Mac’s hand and walks away] I will watch it by myself. God damn it.

Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where is this coming from?

Dennis: I have been thinking a lot about what Dee said and I do think [sighs] (that) maybe we are spending a bit too much time together.

Mac: Well, what are you saying?

Dennis [grimaces, then turns around to face Mac]: I’m saying that I feel like we’re in a little bit of a rut and, I feel like I’m not…flourishing.

Mac: Well, far be it for me to, uh, keep the flower of you from flourishing but uh, I guess I’ll get my things and stay at Charlie’s.

Dennis [puts his hand on Mac’s shoulder]: Wait, don’t do that. I feel like I’m the one who got us into this mess.

Mac: Ok, so you’ll stay at Charlie’s then?

Dennis: No, you should stay there [nods], because you already said that you would. Also, I have more stuff, it’ll take me longer to pack and it’ll just be easier if you went.

Officer: Hi, I’m responding to a Missing Person’s Report.

Mac [reluctantly]: I’ll pack my things.

Dennis: Hey!

Dennis: Hey yo!

Dee: What’s the matter with you? What are you doing here?

Dennis: I came to hang out with you.

Dee: I thought it was movie night with Mac.

Dennis: Yeah, it is movie night but, uh, Mac and I are taking a little bit of a break. I was thinking about what you were saying and you were right, I wasn’t spending enough time by myself. I wasn’t being an independent individual. I wasn’t flourishing. So let’s watch the movie together, you and me.

Dee: Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something with my cat right now.

Dennis: Oh, ok, well yeah, I like cats, let’s bring him into the mix.

Dee: Uh, can’t do that, he is in the wall somewhere.

Dennis: He’s in the wall?

Dee: Yeah, I think he got into the wall.

Dennis: Wow, well that’s too bad but, uh, I’m sure he’ll come out at some point. He got himself in there, I’m sure he’ll get himself out, or, or, he won’t and he’ll die in there and you’ll have a dead-cat smell for a while but listen, I’m going to help you out of that jam. Open the windows and get some scented candles going, maybe get a big fan in here, then he’ll decompose, and everything will be fine. There, that’s what it’s like to have a sidekick. I helped you out of a jam.

Dennis: In the meantime, let’s watch the movie, I just want to watch a movie – with you. Could we do that?

Mac: Why don’t you just put your trash into a trash can?

Charlie [sitting on the couch eating Cheetos™]: I put it in the trash can when I’m ready to take it outside, dude.

Mac: Yeah, but you could skip a step by first putting it into the can.

Charlie: And you can shut the hell up, man.

Mac: Ok, and Jesus Christ Frank, are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?

Charlie: I suppose you have a problem with that, too.

Frank: Ack, oh! Oh! Botched toe, I botched that one. Ooh, that’s a botched job, that’s bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut (to stop the bleeding).

Mac: Do not plug an open wound with trash.

Frank: Ooh, it’s bleeding like a sieve.

Mac: Then use your sock.

Charlie: Oh, don’t waste a good sock on a tiny little cut. I’ll find you a candy wrapper if you give me a second.

Frank: Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute, that’s, that’s working. Oh, it’s acting like a “cut glove.”

Charlie: Oh, unbelievable dude, (that’s a) waste of a sock.

Mac: There are so many things that are going to need to change now that I’m living here.

Charlie [to Frank]: Are you hearing this shit, bro?

Frank: Well, you know, he has some good ideas.

Charlie: What?

Frank: Maybe it wouldn’t be bad if he moved in.

Charlie: Are you serious, dude?

Frank: I could use a little structure in my life here, I mean, look at all the trash all over the place.

Charlie: I love the trash.

Frank: He’s cleaning up the trash….

Charlie: Uh…I don’t want to….

Mac: Ahem, is that Dennis?

Charlie: I don’t know who it is, I haven’t answered the phone yet.

Mac: Are you going to answer it though, because…?

Charlie: Unbelievable dude, I’m just going to get it. [finally answers the phone] Hello?

Dennis: Hey, buddy, how’re you doing?

Charlie : Oh, Mac is being as annoying as shit (= Mac is being very annoying).

Mac [to Charlie]: Is that him?

Dennis: Oh, Mac is being annoying? [sarcastically] That’s a big surprise. Is he bossing you around a lot?

Charlie: He’s totally bossing me around.

Dennis: Yeah, that’s typical of him, that’s what he does, that’s what he does. Did he mention me?

Charlie: No.

Dennis: No? Really? He didn’t say anything, at all, about me or…?

Charlie: What is this, dude? Did you call me just to talk about Mac? Ok? Because I don’t want to talk about Mac with you.

Mac: Is he talking about me?

Dennis: No, no, no, tell him I’m not talking about him. Tell him I’m not talking about him at all.

Charlie: I’m not telling him anything, dude. I’m going to hang up the phone on you.

Dennis: No, no, Charlie, don’t hang up the phone, no, I didn’t call to talk about Mac, I swear to God, dude. Please, come on, I couldn’t care less about that guy. Are you kidding me, you think I care about him? I called to talk to you. I wanted to see if you wanted to come over to Dee’s apartment, we’re doing a movie night!

Mac [taps Charlie on the shoulder]: Charlie, hang up the phone.

Charlie: Oh my God (you’re annoying Mac), I’ll be right over.

Dennis: Yes! Hey Dee, Charlie’s coming over.

Dee [still searching for her cat]: I don’t care.

Dennis [in despair]: Yeah, shit, I don’t care either.

Dennis: I am so excited to watch this movie without Mac, he is so annoying. He’s always critiquing the fight scenes and talking about how he can choreograph them so much better than they could, which is ridiculous. He doesn’t know anything.

Dee [referring to her cat]: Ooh, Dennis, I’ve pin-pointed (found) him.

Dennis: Dee, would you forget the God-damned cat for a second and listen to all the interesting things that I have to say? You’re being the worst sidekick right now.

Dee: No, you’re being the worst sidekick; I thought sidekicks were supposed to help eachother out of jams.

Dennis: What? I did help you out of a jam! I told you what to do with your dead-stinking cat.

Dee: No, no, no, no, no, come on. Oh, I lost him! I lost him Dennis, [sarcastically] thanks a lot.

Dennis: Oh, do me a favor. Can you peel this apple for me, please?

Dee [throws the apple back to Dennis]: No, no, I’m not going to peel an apple for you.

Dennis: But Mac always does it for me.

Dee: Why does Mac peel your apples for you?

Dennis: He doesn’t like for me to eat the apples with the skin on it. He says the skin’s loaded with toxins.

Dee: Ok, well good news, Mac’s not here.

Dennis: Well, I know he’s not here and that’s why I need you to do it for me, please. Please.

Dee: Oh, Jesus, just eat it with the skin on it.

Dennis [yelling]: I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I’m not allowed to eat it with the skin. I’m not allowed!

Dee: Oh my God, alright, if you just shut up, I will peel the apple for you the way that Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me, give it to me!

[Dennis throws Dee the apple.] I’ll do it the way that Mac insists. Ok?

Dennis [smiling]: Yeah.

Dennis [hears Charlie open the door]: Hey yo! Is that Charlie? Charlie’s in the house. Charlie’s in the house.

[Stands up to greet and dance with Charlie] Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey. Do you want a skinless apple, Bud?

Charlie: Yup.

Dennis [To Dee]: Two skinless apples, Dee. It’s part of the movie outing/movie night out. It’s movie night!

Dee [Handing Dennis the peeled apple]: Here’s your apple, dick.

Dennis [Happy to get his apple]: Alright.

Charlie [Taps Dee on the shoulder]: Where’s mine?

Dee: Are you kidding me?

Charlie [not understanding why Dee is so upset]: Hmm?

Dee: You can peel your own apple, Charlie.

Dennis [grumbles “I don’t know”]: She’s in a little bit of a (bad) mood ( = she’s a little moody) because her cat got stuck in the wall.

Charlie [excited, walks toward Dee who is standing beside a wall]: Cat-in-the-wall, eh? Ok, now you’re talking my language. I know this game, alright, catch me up to speed here, what do we got?

Dee: You’re putting Cheeto™-fingers all over the wall.

Charlie: Alright, let’s focus Dee. What’s the point of entry here?

Dee: That’s the thing Charlie, I’ve been looking all around this God-damned place (and) I can’t find one.

Charlie: Alright, I’ve seen this before. You know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, [gestures] (and) went right through a seam in your wall.

Dee: I don’t think there’s anything in the laws of nature that would support that.

Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature, right? You don’t know shit apparently….

Dennis [interrupts]: Hey, we’re still going to watch the movie, right man?

Charlie [Dismissively waves a hand toward Dennis]: Uh, ok.

Dee: I think it’s stuck in there.

Charlie: No! It is not stuck. Alright, let’s focus on what’s happening with the cat, alright? It made a conscious decision to go in your wall….

Dee [interjects]: Really?

Charlie: Absolutely, it absolutely made a conscious decision to go in your wall, it chose to be in there. It wants to be in your wall, Dee.

Dee: I’m thinking about getting some catnip, and I was going to put it….

Charlie [interrupts]: No, no, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that. It’s going to know that’s a trap/trick, Dee. Ok, that’s going to irritate/annoy the cat, then it’s going to dig itself down further (and) we may never get to it. Ok?

Dee: Are you serious?

Charlie: Let’s start thinking like a cat here, alright? You know, we…? We need another cat. That’s what we need.

Dee: What?

Charlie: That’s what we need. Here’s what we’re going to do: I’m going to crack/make a little hole in your wall, a tiny one, it’ll be cool/ok. And then I’m going to slip a second cat in with a string tied around it. Those two will become co-dependent, then I’ll rip the second cat out and the first one hopefully, hopefully, will follow.

Dennis: Hey, hey, hey man, hey. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to keep bugging you but you didn’t tell me what to do.

Charlie: I don’t care.

Dennis: Do you want me to start it now? Do you want me to wait? I’ll wait.

Charlie [rolls eyes]: Yeah, start it.

Dennis: But I want to watch it with you. I mean, I will wait.

Charlie [yelling]: Just start the movie man and stop interrupting me because I’m having a conversation here.

Dee [shaking head]: He’s been like this all day = He’s been this annoying all day.

Charlie [mouths]: Wow.

Dee: Alright, where are we going to get this other cat?

Charlie [reassuring]: Oh, I’ll get you another cat. I got followed here by, like, 10 cats. Yeah, they’re starting to follow me these days.

Dennis: I, you know, I don’t want you to miss the setup to the movie.

Charlie [rolling eyes, mouths]: Wow, wow(, he is so annoying).

Frank: I got everything, all the groceries, no cat food, ha ha ha. And I bumped into that guy at the video store.

Mac: Is he a beefcake?

Frank: He is a total ‘Jerk-off.’

Mac [exhales, then smiles]: Nice/good.

Frank: Hey, this place is tits ( = Hey, this place looks great).

Mac [in agreement]: Yeah, it does, right?

Frank: Uh-huh. [Yes]

Mac: It looks good.

Frank: Yeah, you did a great job.

Mac: Thank you.

Mac [runs over and knocks the apple out of Frank’s hand]: Whoa! Frank, no!
Oh, God, dude. The skin of those things is riddled (filled) with toxins.

Mac: Yeah, ow, yeah, get it out though. Get it all out. Whew, that was a close call.

Frank [puts hand up for a high-five]: Good save ( = Good job saving me).

Mac [retreats]: Hey, alright, well don’t touch me with it. Hey, also, I cleaned out this closet. I’m telling you, bro, we can fit a mattress in there. You and Charlie don’t have to sleep next to eachother anymore.

Frank: Well, uh, I, I, I kind of liked the other arrangement though. That was pretty good.

Mac [in disagreement]: Uh, yeah, the other arrangement was not pretty good. It was um, it was uh, what, what’s the word I’m looking for?

Frank: Crazy?

Mac: No, it’s not, not, crazy. It’s like….

Frank: Whacky?

Mac: No, just stop.

Mac: Whoa, what are you doing now, dude?

Frank: What? I’m taking the toxic skin off.

Mac [taking the knife from Frank]: Yeah, but you’re cutting it with your toe knife.

Frank: Who gives a shit?

Mac: Frank, that is disgusting.

Frank: What? What are you talking about?

Mac: I’m throwing it out.

Frank: What? You’re throwing my toe knife out?

Mac [throws the knife out the window.]: The toe knife is gone.

Frank: Why would you do that?

Mac: Because you were cutting your fruit with it!

Frank [flustered]: What the hell’s going on here? Look, Mac, I think the cleaning up, the throwing the trash away is good but the changing of the sleeping arrangements, and the plastic, and throwing the toe knife out the window, that’s not so good. I’m not going to put on airs just because I’ve got company/you’re here.

Mac: So, you think that not-eating cat food is “putting on airs?”

Frank: You betcha [Yes, absolutely]! Look, I’ve got to take a walk, my head is swimming.

Mac: That’s fine. Just make sure you check in because I haven’t heard from Charlie and it is getting late.

Frank [leaves and closes the door behind him]: Yeah, right.

Mac: Ok, alright, be safe.

Charlie: Ok, Dee, this little lady is a Calico Cat, all Calico Cats are female. I’m going to pop this little girl in your wall here, she’s going to meet your little fellow, they’re going to bond, and then I’m going to rip her out and he’s going to come right afterward.

Dee: Are you sure?

Charlie: Mmm-hmmm. Hmmm, do you hear that?

Dee: Uh…I hear a squabble.

Charlie: Uh-huh, that’s all part of the dance. Ok, they’re doing a little squabble [pulls on the rope]. Come on, wait, hold on. They’re doing a little squabble - [pulls out the entire rope]. Uh-oh. Tsk, crap.

Dee: Thanks a lot Charlie. God damn it, I knew I should have gotten a bird.

Charlie [surprised]: A bird?

Dee: Yeah.

Charlie: What are you going to do with a bird?

Dennis [enters worried]: Hey you guys, I swallowed apple seeds.

Dee: So what?

Dennis: Aren’t they’re poisonous?

Charlie: Are you kidding me, dude? They’re extremely poisonous.

Dee: They are absolutely not poisonous.

Dennis: Should I make myself throw up?

Charlie: I would throw up now!

Dennis [runs to bathroom]: Oh, God damn it.

Charlie [to Dee]: Apple seeds, man, that’s no good.

Dee: Are you kidding me?

Charlie: Apple seeds? You…

Charlie: Yo!

Frank: Hey.

Charlie: Yo!

Dee: Oh, hi.
[sarcastically] Come on in.

Charlie [sighs]: So, uh, how’s life with Mac?

Frank: I’m off him, he’s too pushy.

Charlie: Yeah, no kidding. (Are) you back on my team?

Frank [sullen]: If there’s room for me.

Charlie [points at Frank]: There’s always room for you, Bud.
[approaches] Give it to me, give it to me.

Dennis [shouting from the bathroom]: Guys, guys, I can’t throw up, should I just stick a finger down my throat?

Dee: Yes! Oh my God, you guys, we’ve got to - [You can hear Dennis attempting to throw up] Oh, man, you’ve got to get Mac and Dennis back together, ok, because they are ruining all of our lives.

Frank [to Charlie]: What’s the situation?

Charlie [exhales]: I’ve got two cats stuck inside this wall and I can’t get them out.

Frank: Do you want to bring in a third?

Charlie: I’m thinking maybe a fourth.

Dee: What? No, no, no, no more cats. Hey! Frank, just get out of here, you’re making it worse!

Charlie: Whoa, back off Frank, we work very well together, ok?

Frank: We’re the Gruesome Twosome.

Charlie: Gruesome Twosome!

Frank: Woo! Ta-ee-ta-ee-ta….

Charlie: Wonk, wonk….

Dee: Alright! Ok! Alright! [Counting off a To-Do List on her fingers] I’m going to go and get Mac and Dennis back together, I’m going to get a bird, I’m going to get two cats out of my wall, and then I’m going to go back to being alone. Excuse me, can you part for one second, just for a second? Thank you, thank you.

Charlie: Alright.

Frank [Pointing toward Dennis]: What?

Charlie: He swallowed some apple seeds.

<Break. Scene opens with Mac sitting at a restaurant, Dee walks in with Dennis ~16.12.>

Dee [to Dennis]: Sit down.

Mac: What….

Dee: Sit.

Mac: What is he doing here?

Dennis: I was told that I would be meeting a woman with giant breasts.

Mac (indignant): I was also told that I was to meet a woman with giant breasts.

Dee: Yes, geniuses, I set you up. Now, can you please make up because you’re driving everyone crazy? [Mac and Dennis look away.] Look, I’m sorry that I called you “co-dependent,” ok? I think you have a great friendship and it’s perfectly natural for two grown men to need eachother this badly/much so, apologize to eachother and make up, please.

Mac: I guess I should….

Dennis [retaliates in kind]: You son of a bitch.

Dee: Ok, alright, ok, oh my god, you know what? That’s fine. I don’t care anymore. Guess what? Neither one of you is ever going into my apartment ever again, ok? So, make up, don’t make up, kill eachother, I don’t care, I need to go get a bird.

Dennis [referring to Dee]: She looks like a bird.

Dennis: I swallowed some apple seeds today.

Mac [pretends not to care much]: Did you make yourself throw up?

Dennis: I tried but I couldn’t.

Mac: Smoke some cigarettes, [gestures] the smoke will suffocate/kill the bacteria in your stomach.

Dennis: Ok, thanks. How was Charlie’s?

Mac: Oh, the way they live, bro. It’s, it’s like, um…

Dennis: Preposterous.

Mac: Yeah, dude! Preposterous. I’ve been trying to come up with that word all day!

Dennis [smiles]: Yeah.

Mac: God, dude, this is why you and I are such a good team. You know? Like, I’m a man of action, and you’re a man that comes up with good….

Dennis: Words.

Mac: Words, dude.

Dennis: Ok, great, we’ve really got to work on your vocabulary though, man.

Mac: You can help me.

Dennis: You couldn’t think of the word “words.”

Waiter: Is everything ok here, gentlemen?

Dennis: Yes, everything’s fine; not that it concerns you ( = not that it’s any of your business).

Waiter: Now might a good time for you to pay your bill and leave.

Dennis: Well, you’re not making any sense because we didn’t buy anything.

Mac: Actually, I [points to drink] had a couple of Rum and Cokes.

Waiter: You had six, actually.

Dennis [surprised]: Six?

Mac: I had six of them.

Dennis: Did you?

Mac: Yeah, I was nervous about the big-breasted lady.

Dennis: I, I was nervous about her too.

Mac: You got nervous about her too? Yeah, ‘cause Dee said she had giant boobs, you know?

Dennis: I know, I was really excited about it.

Waiter [coughs to interrupt]. Will that be cash or charge ( = How will you pay, cash or credit)?

Mac: I was also assuming that the big-breasted lady was going to pay for the drinks, so, I didn’t bring any money.

Dennis: I’ve got some cash; I can get you out of this jam.

Frank: Watch your eyes.

Dee: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell is going on?

Frank: The Gruesome Twosome is in effect.

Charlie: Yeah, we’re bashing a bigger hole in your wall, we’re going to stuff all the cats in at one time.

Dee: Yeah, I see that. No more big holes in my wall. No more cats. We’re doing the bird thing. I got one; I tied a string around his teeny-tiny little legs and I’m sending him in.

Charlie: You’re going to toss a bird in there?

Dee: I’m going to toss the bird in, Charlie. [Yes]

Frank: Whoa, ho, ho.

Charlie: Go ahead, Dee, toss the bird in.

Dee: Check this out, watch this.

Frank: Dinner time.

Dee [talking to the bird]: Go on guy, do your thing.

Charlie [watching]: Alright.

Dee: Go on, you got it, you got it. Uh-oh, oh, hold on, hold on, hold on guy. I’ve got you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on.

Charlie: Well, congratulations, Dee. You have some very satisfied cats in there, ok? Now, will you step aside and let the men do the work.

Dee: Shut up! Shut up ok? I’ve got it from here, alright? I’m bashing a hole in my wall, (and) I’m going in myself. Give me this, get out of the way, I’m not kidding. Get the hell out of the way.

Charlie: Alright, alright.

Frank: Oh.

Dee: I’m dead serious, I’m going in. I’ve had enough.

Charlie: Bash away. Bash away.

Dee [striking the wall with a sledge hammer]: Ah, ah! [to the cat] I’m coming to get you, you jerk.

Frank [mentioning Dee’s full first name]: Yeah, yeah, Deandra!

Dee [entering wall]: Come on kitty, come on, ok. I’ll get you, I’ll get you.

Frank: Really? Oh.

Dee: Wow, there are a lot of cats back here.

Charlie: Yeah, we put a lot of cats in there.

Frank [laughs, and then reaches for his cell phone]: Ooh, I’m getting a text.

Charlie: Ooh, who is it?

Frank: Ah, the Dynamic Duo is in effect.

Charlie: Oh, they’re back together! Alright.

Frank [chuckles]: They’re watching Predator, do you want to join them?

Charlie: Absolutely dude, absolutely.

Frank: Great. Deandra, we’re out of here.

Charlie: Yeah.

Dee: Hey! You guys.

Frank: We’re going.

Charlie: Yeah.

Dee: You guys, I think I’m stuck in the wall.

Frank [leaving with Charlie]: That’s why she needs a friend.

Charlie: You’ve got to have a sidekick. You’ve got to have a sidekick.

Frank [in agreement]: That’s all I’m saying.

Dee: Alright, oops, ok, I’m trying to back up but my shirt’s caught on something. Guys, guys! Guys! Come on!

<End~20.51>

Transcript - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Season 05, Episode 09