Transcript - Curb Your Enthusiasm - Season 07, Episode 02

Episode Title: Vehicular Fellatio

Original Airdate: September 27, 2009

Disclaimers and Credits. Curb Your Enthusiasm appears on HBO. This episode was written and executive produced by Larry David. It was directed by Alec Berg. The series was also created by Larry David who stars as himself. Also starring Cheryl Hines as Larry's wife and Jeff Garlin as Larry's friend. Other actors include Susie Essman as Jeff's wife, Richard Lewis, Vivica A. Fox, J.B. Smoove, Ellia English, and others. The opening music is entitled "Frolic" by Luciano Michelini. This transcript has been transcribed for educational purposes only, it is not the original script, and it is posted here without the permission, approval, or authorization of the production company involved. The use of this material is intended for personal educational purposes only. Any other use of this material is strictly prohibited.

Characters appearing in this episode:

Larry           Jeff          Richard Lewis            Dr. Trundle
Loretta         Susie        Beverly                    Dr. Trundle’s husband
Dr. Phil         Leon        Alton’s wife               Melissa (Receptionist)
Merchant       Alton        Dean Winestock        Loretta’s Auntie Rae
________

Larry [stabbing the packaging with a knife]: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! [thinks he has it open] Haha. [Continues to struggle] Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Loretta [from upstairs]: Hey, LD!

Larry: What?

Loretta: I need you upstairs. Now.

Loretta: Yo, LD! Where you at? LD!

Larry [throws package on the floor and stomps on it]: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Loretta: LD, wh- what channel is that E! Channel on?

Loretta: I can’t find it.

Larry: I don’t know. Are you kidding me? You called me up to ask me about the E! Channel?

Loretta [insincere]: I am so sorry that you had to make such a long trek up here. I’m sittin’ up here, suffering with cancer, and you had to walk up some little stairs, sorry about that LD. What was you doing anyway?

Larry: I, actually, was opening up one of those vacuum-sealed packaging and I cut myself on it. Jeff and Susie got me this, this uh, GPS. Look at this! Look at this. I can’t open those packages.

Loretta [changing the TV to Channel E!]: Bam! There it is.

Larry: Why would they manufacture a product that you can’t open?

Loretta: LD, I’ve got an appointment tomorrow at 12 noon. I have to get my hair and my nails done. I want you to take me.

Larry: At noon?

Loretta: Mmm-hmmm.

Larry: Ok, cannot do it, sorry.

Loretta: Why can’t you?

Larry: I’m supposed to play golf tomorrow.

Loretta: Well, just move it to another time.

Larry: I can’t move it to another time, how can you….

Loretta: Can you play, like, before or after?

Larry: Why, why don’t you drive?

Loretta: ‘cause I have cancer, and I want you to drive me.

Larry: You do have cancer,…

Loretta: Yes, I do.

Larry: …but how does that affect your driving?

Loretta: I don’t think the doctor would want me to drive, so I would prefer for you to take me.

Larry: The doctor didn’t say anything about you driving.

Loretta: LD, I have an appointment at noon.

Larry: Should we call the doctor and, maybe, ask about the driving? Just to….

Loretta: LD, do you know what it feels like to have cancer?

Larry: I know what it feels like to be with someone who has cancer.

Loretta: So, that’s why you should have compassion, and tomorrow, at noon, take me to my appointment, ok?

Larry: Ok.

Loretta: (I’m) glad we’re clear about that.

Larry: Ok.

Loretta: Ok, noon, tomorrow.

Larry: tsk, no golf. I’m going to dinner tonight with Jeff and Susie, and Lewis, and his new girlfriend, if you want to go.

Loretta: (Are) any black people going to be there?

Larry [shakes head]: No.

Loretta [shrugs]: Why would I want to go?

Larry: (There) might be some people with cancer.

Loretta: No, I don’t, I don’t want to go.

Loretta: Could you, could you just get me another tea?

Larry: Sure.

Loretta: And it’s time to make my juice.

Larry [leaves room]: I’ll be back.

Leon: LD, hold on, hey man, let me talk to you about something right quick. Hey, uh, I have a friend named Alton, right?

Larry: Who?

Leon: Alton.

Larry: Alton?

Leon: Alton. (He’s a) big Seinfeld fan. (He) loved the freakin’ show. He’s a little depressed right now. I’m trying to, you know, maybe you can give him a call on his birthday.

Larry: Oh, he’s a big Seinfeld fan?

Leon: Big Seinfeld fan! (He) freakin’ loved the show, man. (He’s) got a fine ass wife, his wife is fine as hell. I don’t know why the guy is so depressed, man, with a wife that damned fine.

Larry: Really?

Leon: Sick fine.

Larry: Really?

Leon: I’m talking about sick fine.

Larry: Gorgeous?

Leon: “Sick” meaning “good.”

Larry: I got it.

Leon: Yeah, you get that shit, right?

Larry: Yeah, yeah.

Leon: I’ve never seen the damned show myself but he, he freakin’ swears by it.

Larry [scratching his head]: Well...

Leon: You’ll give him a call?

Larry: …alright fine, I’ll call him later.

Leon: If you can give him a fucking call….

Larry: Leave the phone number on my dresser.

Leon: I’m going to leave the number for you, man. He’s going to fucking flip out, him and his fine ass fucking wife.

Dr. Phil: Well, my next guest is, to say the least, a maverick in the field of cancer treatment. Her newest book is entitled Walking Out on Cancer. Please say “Hello” to Dr. Karen Trundle. [audience applauds] Now, Dr. Trundle, how does somebody walk out on cancer?

Dr. Trundle: I, do, believe that a patient’s personal relationships can contribute to their cancer, just like living next to a toxic waste dump can actually cause cancer. So, if I determine that a patient of mine is in a toxic relationship with their spouse, I will counsel them to leave that spouse.

Dr. Phil: When we’re talking about a toxic spouse, we’re talking about what?

Dr. Trundle: Well, someone who is impatient, someone who is obnoxious, someone who is petty, and argumentative, and obsesses over meaningless details at the expense of a harmonious relationship.

Dr. Phil: Ok, so you’re telling me, if you met with a new patient and you saw that they were married to a person like that….

Dr Trundle: I would counsel them to leave and to never look back.

Dr. Phil: Ha ha ha, and that’s how they walk out on cancer. We have a couple of your patients here….

Larry: Drink it up. You’re doing great. That a girl. [claps] Good job. Good job.

Loretta [hands empty glass back to Larry]: Thanks, LD.

Larry: Good job. Hey, I heard about this great, uh, doctor, and, uh, I took the liberty of making an appointment for you, for us actually, because I have to go too.

Loretta: So, what’s wrong with the doctor I’ve got?

Larry: The doctor you have is perfectly fine, but you can get a second opinion.

Loretta: Where’d you find out about this doctor?

Larry: (From) a friend of mine.

Loretta: A friend of yours?

Larry: Mmm-hmmm.

Loretta: Who?

Larry: Phil.

Loretta: Phil who?

Larry [making up a fake name]: Phil…Creole…ton….

Loretta: Mm, mm, ok, alright, a second opinion; I’m going to trust you on this one, LD.

Larry: I’ve got a very good feeling about this doctor, [points] and when I get a feeling…

Loretta: You’ve got a feeling.

Larry [now, pointing at self with a thumb, resembling a “thumbs-up”]: …I get a feeling.

Loretta: Thanks for the “look-out,” LD.

Alton: Hello?

Larry: Oh, hello, this is Larry David.

Alton: Who?

Larry: Larry David, from the, uh, Seinfeld show.

Alton [thinking]: Larry, Larry, [realizing] oh! Larry David!

Larry: I’m a friend of Leon’s, he told me to give you a call, he said it was your birthday.

Alton: Oh, man! Well, I can’t believe you’re calling me.

Larry: Happy Birthday, Alton.

Alton: That’s amazing, man, Seinfeld’s, like, one of my favorite shows of all time.

Larry: Oh, great. Anyway, so, um, Happy Birthday.

Alton: Thank you.

Larry: You know, and Leon said you were a little depressed.

Alton: Yeah.

Larry: Although then he said, you know, (that) your wife was beautiful, so I don’t know what you have to be depressed about, really.

Alton: Oh, wait, wait, what do you mean about my wife?

Larry: What?

Alton: My, why is talking about my wife?

Larry: He’s not talking about your wife, you know, he just said (that) she was beautiful, that’s all.

Alton: Yeah, ok, well, I know she’s beautiful, but why is he telling you that my wife is beautiful?

Larry: He, he, he’s complimenting her!

Alton: That’s not a compliment. That’s, like, another man looking at another man’s woman. That’s like….

Larry: He didn’t say she was ugly!

Alton: You know what? I knew it was like that, too. I’ve seen them together; they’ve been out there talking, they’re always out there laughing, I knew it! I knew it! Is he there? Put him on the phone! Where are you at right now? Tell me where you are!

Larry [talking over Alton]: Alright, you know what Alton? Uh, I’ve got to take off. Anyway, it’s great talking to ya. Happy Birthday, and uh, and, and, good luck. See you around.

Larry [to hostess]: Hey. Hi, how ya doin’?

Jeff [spots Larry]: Hi!

Larry: Oh, hey.

Jeff: Just in time. We, uh, just sat down.

Larry: Oh, is that Lewis’s new girlfriend?

Jeff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s beautiful, huh?

Larry: It’s not going to last.

Jeff: You’re not going to believe this, and you’ve got to swear to secrecy. (Do you) swear to secrecy?

Larry: Come on, come on, I’m a vault.

Jeff: On the way over here, she blew him in the car.

Jeff: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Larry: Blow job in the car?

Jeff [excited]: While he’s driving!

Larry: Wow, how gentile. I’m not going to get that close to her, I could tell you that.

Jeff: Ok, ok.

Larry: By the way, I don’t approve of the blow job in the car, at all.

Jeff: Really?

Larry: More dangerous than cell phones, in my opinion.

Jeff: What about hand jobs?

Larry: Any kind of “job” is dangerous.

Jeff: It has to affect the driver, I can’t deny….

Larry: It should be illegal, frankly. And by the way, why do they call it a “job”? What, is it so hard? Is it such, is it a lot of work?

Jeff [nodding]: Tugging, sucking, it’s a lot of work. I wouldn’t want to do it.

Larry: It is a job, no wonder why they don’t like it.

Richard: Oh, look who finally comes over.

Larry: Hey. Hello.

Beverly [introducing self]: Hi, Beverly.

Larry: Hi, Larry. Hi. [bumps Richard’s fist] Hey.

Susie: Where have you guys been, huh?

Larry: Huh? Oh, you know, uh, talking.

Jeff: Hey, just talking, catching up.

Susie: We’ve been sitting here for, like, an hour. There’s no bread, the service sucks.

Larry: Yeah, sorry. No bread.

Beverly: No waiter.

Susie: Don’t you guys want a drink? (There are) no drinks.

Larry: I’d love a drink. [pointing at Beverly’s drink] What, what is that? That looks interesting, that drink.

Beverly [drinking]: Mmm, mmm, mmm, “Pomegranate Surprise.” Pomegranate juice, blueberry juice. [lifts her drink toward Larry] Here, have a try. You’re going to love it, anti-oxidants, tequila, it’s fabulous! [she takes another sip] mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Richard: Look at that salt on the rim.

Beverly: Here, give it a try. Give it a try. No, I think you’ll like it.

Larry: No, no, thanks. I don’t think so. Thank you.

Richard [with his hands in the air]: Take a little sip.

Larry: No! No. [chuckle] I don’t like to take sips, I don’t. I don’t take bites either. No bites, no sips, yeah.

Larry: Oh, hey, bread.

Susie: Finally.

Larry [still referring to the bread]: Fabulous, look at this. Good, I’m starving.

Susie: Thank you, Larr. Very nice of you.

Larry: Pleasure, pleasure.

Richard: I got the next one, Buddy.

Larry [quickly points at Richard]: Do you?

Jeff: (Are) you going to Michael York’s party?

Larry: Michael York’s party? You know, I really love Michael York, but he, the guy lives in the boondocks. I’d never find the place.

Susie: What about that “nav system” we gave you?

Larry: Great gift, and thank you so much. I couldn’t open, I couldn’t open the package.

Susie: What do you mean?

Larry: It comes, it’s entombed in this plastic. I was stabbing it with a knife; it’s impossible.

Susie: There’s a tab, you pull the tab.

Larry: No, there was no tab, Susie.

Susie: There was no perforation?

Larry: No, no perforation, nothing.

Jeff: Just get an X-Acto™ knife…

Susie: There you go.

Jeff: …or a box-cutter, ok?

Larry: What? A box-cutter? Who am I, Mohamed Atta? I’ve got to, I’ve got to buy a box cutter? I mean it’s crazy.

Richard [interrupts, excuses self and Beverly; interruption unintelligible]: Alright Larr, we’re going to go see Last Tango in Paris, my favorite film, for the hundredth time.

Larry: Oh my God, what a piece of crap. [imitating film] “Oh, oh, put butter up my ass.” I mean is that supposed to be a movie? Pretention masquerading as art, that’s what you’ve got there.

Richard: You know nothing about foreign films or anything; it’s all about you. We’ve got to go, we’re going to miss the film.

Larry [to Jeff, pleading case]: That’s true. Have you seen it?

Beverly [shakes Susie’s hand]: Susie, nice to meet you.

Susie: Bye, Beverly. You too.

Beverly [leans in to hug Larry]: Oh, Larry, nice (to)….

Larry [backs away abruptly]: Whoa, ah.

Beverly [stands back]: What’s the problem with you?

Larry: What?

Beverly: Ever since you arrived, you’ve just been, weird.

Larry: What? No.

Beverly: Yeah, I was, just, so looking forward to meeting you.

<Beverly, exhales loudly, grabs her sweater, and storms out of the restaurant, leaving Richard there with his arms up.>

Larry: I’m, I’m, I’m sorry, I, uh….

Richard: Holy shit. [to Larry] What the fuck did you do? She wanted you to have a little drink? You wouldn’t take it. [unintelligible sentence] She wanted you to, ‘cause she could buy, like, an ad in Brooklyn, at a seder. You can’t even do that? What is she? A leper for Christ’s sake?

Larry: Alright? You want to know why?

Richard: Yes, I want to know why.

Jeff [mouths]: No, no, no.

Richard: Come on, tell me the truth. Don’t lie to me.

Larry: No, ‘cause I had a, I have a cold sore and I didn’t want to kiss her.

Richard: You have a cold sore?

Larry: Yeah, and I was, uh, I was embarrassed. I’m sorry.

Richard: So, why didn’t you tell her?

Larry: Eh, I was embarrassed. Sorry.

Richard [leaving the restaurant]: Uh-huh. I’ll never get laid again.

Larry [sarcastically]: You should tell the whole restaurant.

Leon [background, walking]: Larry! Larry! Larry!

Larry: You got, uh, X-Acto ™ knives?

Merchant [pointing]: Sure, right here.

Larry: Oh, ok, um, can I see that red one?

Merchant: Sure thing.

Larry: Geez, I can’t open this, the vacuum-sealed packaging. It’s impossible. (I) can’t open it.

Merchant [nodding]: Oh, yeah.

Larry: I’ll take this one.

Merchant: Ok.

Leon [enters store]: Larry, why’d you tell Alton I was fucking his wife?

Larry: What? [gestures] Come here. What did you say?

Leon: You told Alton I was fucking his wife?

Larry: No, I said that you said that his wife was beautiful. That’s all I said. That’s all I said.

Leon: You said that shit to him and that’s implying that I’m fucking her.

Larry: Well, just tell him that you’re not.

Leon: But I am!

Larry: You’re what?

Leon: I’m tapping that ass. I’ve been comforting that ass for a while now.

Larry: What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?

Leon: Stick, fucking that ass, and then doing the same thing for it.

Larry: Why are you fooling around with married women?

Leon: “Ass” is “ass,” Larry.

Larry: “Ass” is not “ass.”

Leon: “Ass” is fucking “ass,” Larry.

Larry: No, it’s not!

Leon: So what the fuck should I do, Larry?

Larry: Well, you don’t have to tap every ass. Do you? Do you have to tap every ass?

Leon: What the fuck are we going to do right now?

Larry: What do you mean “we?”

Leon: Alton’s going to fuck somebody up.

Larry: I have nothing to do with this! I’m not tapping anybody! You’re tapping! I’m not tapping!

Leon: You are combined in this shit now, with me, God damn it. We are a Lego™, we are a fucking Lego™ set right now, we are fucking interlocked together. We fucked her!

Larry: Get away from me! Get out of here.

Leon [leaving]: No! Fix this shit, Larry. Fix it! Fix it.

Larry: I’m not fixing anything.

Merchant: $10.

Dr. Trundle: First of all, Loretta, I want to say how sorry I am to hear about your diagnosis, but I want you to know that we’re going to get you through this.

Loretta: Thank you, Doctor.

Dr.Trundle: Without a doubt.

Dr. Trundle: And, there’s something happening tomorrow night. I’m actually giving a talk on coping strategies for newly diagnosed patients.

Larry: Can you do that? [flutters lips] It’s like a, horses do it, right? And I could see why they do it, it feels good [continues fluttering his lips]

Dr Trundle: How long have you all been together? This seems like a….

Loretta: It’s been about a….

Dr. Trundle: …a fairly new relationship?

Loretta: Well, it’s been about a year now.

Dr. Trundle: Uh, about a year, I….

Larry [interrupting from across the room]: How, how would you describe these, these, artifacts? What, what, what is it exactly?

Dr Trundle: That’s African Art.

Larry: African? Really?

Dr. Trundle: Yes.

Larry [to Loretta]: Hey, African.

Loretta: What? I’m supposed to have a connection to it because I’m black?

Larry: Duh.

Dr Trundle: Mr. David, please, have a seat so I can just finish up the history here.

Larry [takes his seat]: Ok, sure.

Dr. Trundle: Um, so are you all in, what you would call, a happy, healthy, committed relationship?

Larry: A happy and a healthy New Year to you. A happy and a healthy….

Loretta: It, no, we’re talking about our relationship right now.

Dr. Trundle: Yes.

Loretta: Um, I mean, we get along most of the time.

Larry [picks up a photo from Dr. Trundle’s desk]: Who’s this guy? Is that your husband?

Dr. Trundle: Yes.

Larry: Boy, he’s got some healthy head of hair, this one, huh?

Dr. Trundle [smiling, laughing]: Yes, he was blessed, follically. Yes.

Larry: Oh, he was blessed. So what? I’m, I’m unblessed? Is that what you’re saying?

Dr. Trundle: No, I wasn’t referring to you at all.

Larry: Bald people are not blessed?

Dr. Trundle: This has nothing to do with you.

Larry: We don’t belong on the same planet as the blessed “Hairs”? Yeah.

Dr. Trundle: Now, as I was saying, the type of relationship that you have. Do you feel that your relationship is in a comfortable, easy place, or, because…?

Loretta: We have differences and things like that, but, overall, we get along pretty good.

Larry: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Loretta: Well, you know, the cancer, how much….

Larry [singing]: How they handle Hungry Man™. The man handle – ah. Remember that commercial?

Loretta: No!

Dr. Trundle: I have a great idea: There are some great magazines right outside…

Loretta: Right, since he can’t focus.

Dr. Trundle: …and I would like to discuss with Loretta some very intimate and personal things that, as a woman, in terms of self-image, I think would be better discussed just in our company, alright?

Loretta: That would so work for me too, yeah, maybe you’ll find a magazine out there that’ll work for you.

Larry: I, I understand.

Dr. Trundle: Alright, thank you.

Loretta: The girls need the girls’ thing.

Larry [imitating a Coffee Talk character from Saturday Night Live]: Just you two, you sit, you sit, you talk, and you’ll have coffee, and you’ll discuss. Discuss, you’ll talk, and you’ll do this, you’ll do that Enjoy, you’ll enjoy yourselves. Have a good discussion, I’ll be out there, you’ll be here. We’ll talk.

Dr. Trundle: You’re going to need to hear something very difficult right now.

Melissa: Uh, she should be out and about until six o’clock today.

Mr. Trundle: Six o’clock, we’ve got that dinner today at seven.

Larry [pointing, interrupting]: Oh, Mister, uh, Trundle?

Mr. Trundle [turns around]: Yeah.

Larry: I saw your picture on your wife’s desk.

Mr. Trundle: Oh, right. Take care then, huh?

Larry: Ok.

Mr. Trundle: Alright.

Dean [walks in, notices Larry]: Larry? Larry David?

Dean [points to self]: Dean, Dean Winestock.

Larry: Oh my God.

Dean: Yeah, I used to be your next-door neighbor.

Larry: Yeah.

Dean: Hey, man.

Larry: Hey.

Dean: It’s so good to see you.

Larry: Hey.

Dean: Hey.

Larry: Whoa! Oh, Christ! Oh my God.

Dean: These are, are broken, actually.

Larry [picking up a piece of Dean’s glasses and handing it over]: Oh dear. Oh.

Dean: Thank you.

Larry: Oh, man.

Dean: It is so good to see you, man. That is awesome.

Larry: Good to see you. Good to see you.

Dean: That is great.

Larry: Geez, I’m sorry about your glasses.

Dean: Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it, I’ll just send you a bill. Tell me, how’s Cheryl? Where did you guys move to?

Larry: What? What? You’ll what? You’ll send me a bill? Is that what you’re saying?

Dean: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. These are, I don’t think these can be fixed.

Larry: Wait a second. Wait a second.

Dean: Yeah.

Larry: You’re going to send me a bill?

Dean: Just for the glasses.

Larry: Why?

Dean: ‘Cause they’re like two-hundred and nineteen dollars.

Larry: I, I didn’t break your glasses.

Dean: It was the hug that broke them, it wasn’t you specifically.

Larry: Yeah, ok, yeah.

Dean: But you were the one who instigated the hug.

Larry: I didn’t instigate – I instigated the hug?

Dean: Yeah, I came in for, like, a shake.

Larry: No, I came in for a shake, and then I saw you make a move for the hug, so I went in.

Dean: I kind of remember, I said the “Hey!” I think you’re mistaking my “Hey” for a hug.

Larry: Even if I did initiate the hug…

Dean: Yes?

Larry: …which I didn’t.

Dean: Yeah?

Larry: That still doesn’t make me responsible for your glasses, they’re your glasses. They’re around your neck.

Dean: With all due respect, I feel like you didn’t recognize me, then I did the “Hey.” Then I did the shake, and then you came in, and because you were so embarrassed, and so mortified, that you did not recognize me, you over-compensated by a super-strong hug that broke me glasses. That’s….

Larry: Ok, that’s an incredibly idiotic theory.

Dean: I think because you’re a needy person, you wanted me to like you, so you hugged me.

Larry: First of all, I’m not a needy person, ok, that’s number one. I have no needs at all, ok? Ah, I wasn’t over-compensating, I don’t like you, why would I want to hug you? I’m not paying for your glasses.

Dean: I’m not asking you to pay for the glasses, I’m asking you to replace these glasses, that you broke.

Larry: I, I’m still paying for them, even if I replace them, am I not? What’s the difference?

Dean: I don’t know if you know an optometrist. I don’t know. I’m saying….

Larry: No, I don’t know any optometrists.

Dean: Well, I didn’t think you did. So, in that case, that’s why I’m invoicing you.

Larry: Ok, you send me the invoice, and I’m going to rip it up into tiny little pieces, and I might even pee on it.

Dean: Why? Why are we fighting, here?

Larry: We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.

Dean: You know I have cancer, right?

Dean: You know that’s why I’m here. I don’t want to have a fight with you. In fact, my doctor said to not have any fights at all.

Larry [begrudgingly]: Ok, I’ll, uh, I’ll pay for the glasses.

Dean: You’ll replace the glasses.

Larry [sternly]: I’ll pay for the glasses.

Dean: I appreciate you accepting responsibility. It feels good right?

Larry: I got a pretty good vibe from that doctor, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

Loretta: She was pretty smart.

Larry: Yeah, what, uh, what did you guys talk about?

Loretta: She told me there are certain things (that) I’ve got to do to make sure that I get well.

Larry: Well, you got to do ‘em, you got to do ‘em.

Loretta: Yup.

Larry: That’s what she said. You got to listen to the doctor because without your health, you’re nothing. Some people are nothing even with health; I fall into that category sometimes. A nothing, a big nothing, (but) I have health.

Loretta: I would like to go to her lecture tomorrow.

Larry: You know what? I’ll drive you, how about that?

Larry: What can I do for you?

Richard: You killed another relationship.

Larry: I did?

Richard: That’s right, and a very special one. This is, maybe, the most special one I’ve ever had.

Larry: Really? The last one was “special.”

Richard: I made a mistake on that one.

Larry: There have been quite a few “special” girls.

Richard: I made mistakes. Not this one.

Larry: This one’s more special?

Richard: This is the most special.

Larry: No question about it?

Richard: No question about it.

Larry: Is she the most special, of all the special girls you’ve taken out?

Richard: I think she might be.

Larry: Really?

Richard: That’s right and she needs an apology, ok? So, come on.

Larry: What do you want me to say?

Richard: I don’t know. Tell her the truth, [points to his mouth] you know, the thing.

Larry: Ok, fine.

Richard: Thank you.

Richard: You better get me out of this.

Larry: Hey Beverly, I, honestly, I am so sorry about the, what happened in the restaurant, but, um, [to Richard] would you back up please? You’re right on my neck here. Just back up a little bit. You’re breathing down my neck.

Richard: What’s with you? Jesus Christ. Sorry, I’m a human being.

Larry [to Beverly]: Anyway, I’m really, I’m really sorry about not kissing you in the restaurant. That was bad but Jeff told me that you gave Lewis a blowjob in the car before you got to the restaurant, so that’s why I, uh, I….

Richard: What? Jeff said, Jeff said what?

Beverly: What did you say?

Richard: Don’t. Blow job? In the- What do you mean? What the fuck are you talking about?

Beverly: What is this? What am I, in Grade 3 or something?

Richard [to Beverly]: No, no, no. Look, I hadn’t had a blow job in about five years, so I was excited.

Beverly: I know, I can tell.

Richard: It slipped out.

Beverly: You’re not going to have one for another fucking five years

Richard: Why the fuck would you do something like that, huh?

Larry: What? You wanted me to tell her the truth.

Richard: Tell the truth?

Larry: Yeah.

Richard: Why didn’t you tell the truth? I thought the truth was that you had a cold sore, for Christ’s sake. That’s what the truth would have been.

Larry: What? No, no, no. I made up the cold sore ‘cause I didn’t want to kiss her. Anyway, you went like this [gestures hand to mouth], that’s the sign for blow job. That’s a blowjob sign.

Richard: No, it’s “cold sore…”

Larry: That’s “cold sore?”

Richard: …it’s “I’m choking,” it’s “I’m eating corn on the cob.”

Larry: That’s “blow job,” buddy, where I come from.

Richard: It’s not. It wasn’t. Why couldn’t you just kiss her good-bye like a human being?

Larry: Kiss her good-bye? What are you talking about? She’s got your semen on her lips; I’m not going to kiss her.

Richard: She had my semen on her lips?

Larry: Yes. Yeah, second-hand semen.

Richard: You can’t be a homosexual by proxy. It’s probably in the fucking constitution.

Larry: I think you can be gay by proxy.

Richard [shaking his head]: Christ.

Larry: Anyway, sorry.

Richard: How am I going to get home, by the way?

Larry: Eh, you’ll take a bus.

Larry: Can I tell you something? I’m very excited about this lecture.

Loretta: Why?

Larry: Come on. How often do you get to listen to somebody this smart? Not even smart, brilliant. She’s brilliant.

Loretta: I get it, you were impressed, ok? Enough with the, uh, Dr. Trundle and the, uh, brilliance. I get your point, ok?

Larry [points]: Hey, Dr. Trundle’s husband.

Loretta: Yeah, I remember him from the picture.

Larry: Yeah, right. Yeah, I saw him yesterday in the reception area.

Loretta: Really?

Larry: Huh, yeah, he’s probably on his way to the lecture.

Loretta: Yeah.

<Larry and Loretta are now driving behind the Trundle’s car, Dr. Trundle’s head appears, and she wipes her face with her hand.

Loretta: Is that Dr. Trundle? Could, it – LD, is she giving him a blowjob?

Larry: Oh Christ, that’s what it looks like.

Loretta: Oh my gosh!

<Dr. Trundle’s head lowers.>

Larry: Wow.

Loretta: Oh no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. LD, I want you to turn this car around.

Larry: What?

Loretta: Turn the car around.

Larry: So what? So, she’s giving him a blowjob? What’s the big deal?

Loretta: No, no, no, no, no, I can’t trust a woman like that to cure my cancer. Doin’ something like that in a car. Are you kidding me?

Larry: She must have been doing it for therapeutic reasons.

Loretta: I want you to take me home, LD.

Larry: The lecture!

Loretta: LD, turn this car around.

Larry: Hi.

Melissa: Hi.

Larry: Um, could you please give this to Dean Winestock, he’s a patient here.

Melissa: Sure.

Larry: It’s a check for his glasses.

Melissa: Ok.

<Dr. Trundle walks in and notices Larry.>

Dr. Trundle: Mr. David.

Larry: Hello.

Dr. Trundle: Hi, what a surprise. You here alone?

Larry: Yeah.

Dr. Trundle: I would love to talk to you. Do you have a minute?

Larry: Sure.

Dr. Trundle: Great, we’ll go back to my office. [to receptionist] Melissa, would you hold all the calls, please?

Melissa: Sure, Dr. Trundle.

Dr. Trundle: This way. Come on in. Uh, I wanted to tell you how disappointed I was that you and Loretta were not at the lecture yesterday and I think the reason that you weren’t there was because you recognized that I am going to recommend that she leave the relationship. That terrifies you and that’s why you didn’t want her to be there.

Larry [snickers]: No, no, that’s the furthest thing from the truth, no.

Dr. Trundle: I have a lot of experience with this and I find that men often have this reaction. It’s certainly understandable, it’s very threatening, but the fact is, we’re talking about a woman’s life and I’m saying something that you just don’t want to hear.

Larry: It’s not true.

Dr. Trundle: Well….

Larry: I reject your hypothesis.

Dr. Trundle: Why didn’t she come to the lecture?

Larry: You really want to know why?

Dr. Trundle: Of course, I do.

Larry: Ok, I’m going to tell you. We were driving to the lecture, we were on our way.

Dr. Trundle [nods]: Mmm-hmmm.

Larry: And then, I noticed your husband in the car ahead of us. And then, you picked your head up, off of his lap, and Loretta decided that she didn’t want anything to do with a doctor who would, you know, do that.

Dr. Trundle: Who would do what?

Larry: Come on.

Dr. Trundle: Oh my God, my husband was driving the car, and yes, I dropped my cell phone on his side of the car and I was looking for my cell phone.

Larry: An awful long time to look for a cell phone.

Dr. Trundle: You are so ridiculous. You are so juvenile. [holding her book] You are exactly the kind of man I am talking about in this book.

Larry: Me?

Dr. Trundle: Yes, you are a tiny, little, insecure, infantile mind of, about, a 12-year-old.

Larry: I think you blew him.

Dr. Trundle [beats Larry with her book]: Oh, my, you think I blew him. You have nothing better in your mind than that?

Larry: Oh, whoa, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Melissa: Stop! Dr. Trundle!

Dr. Trundle: He’s out of control. Get him out of my office!

Alton’s wife: Oh shit, oh shit. My shoes are in there.

Leon [to Larry]: Alton’s here.

Larry: What?

Leon: Alton’s at the front door!

Larry: You brought his wife here? You idiot!

Alton: I never meant it, I’m sorry.

Leon: You see?

Alton: I’m sorry.

Leon: Nothing, right? She’s not here, see? Ha.

Alton: I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to run up all up in here and….

Leon: Yeah, you come up in here, rushin’ up in here, in a white man’s house, man. You know what I mean?

Alton: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, just forgive me.

Leon: Alright, Brother.

Leon: Haha, Boy!

Alton: I’ll see you next week, though, ok?

Leon: Shit, alright.

Alton [walking out]: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m….

Leon: Whew.

Larry [to Alton’s wife, exhales]: It’s ok, he’s gone.

<Alton’s wife is hiding in front of the passenger seat of Larry’s car.>

Alton’s wife [smiles]: Thank God.

<Alton’s wife grunts as she comes up from the car’s floorboard.>

Loretta [gasps]: What the hell?

Loretta: [to her family] Hey ya’ll, come on, get in the car, get in the car. We’re gettin’ the hell out of here (and) we ain’t never coming back. [to Larry] You’ve got me twisted, LD, ok? I give your ass a little bit of a taste of chocolate, and next thing you know, you’re cheatin’ on me? That’s right! I saw your ass. You cheatin’, no good, bald headed, motherfucker. I’m out!

Loretta’s aunt: Fuck you Larry David! That’s some bullshit.

Leon: Somebody got into your ass, what happened?

Larry: They’re gone. We had a big fight. They’re not coming back.

Leon: What?

Larry: Yeah.

Leon: Huh.

Larry: How do you like that?

Leon [exhales]: That’s some shit, right there, humph.

Larry: So, um, I guess this means you’ll be…

Leon: Going upstairs to eat this fucking Chinese food in my fucking room.

Larry [leaving a message]: Hey Lewis, it’s me. I’m on my way to Michael York’s, maybe I’ll see you there. Otherwise, I’ll, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Ok, bye.

Larry [to self]: Holy shit. Oh my God.

Larry: Jeff! Jesus Christ! What the hell?

Jeff: Whoa! Larry! Wow!

Larry: I can’t believe it.

Susie: Ah, oh, I can’t believe this.

Larry: What the…? She’s….

Jeff: Alright, enough.

Larry: She was giving you a blowjob?

Jeff: Ok, yeah, we know what it is.

Larry: Jesus Christ!

Jeff: Alrigh,t stop it!

Susie: Larry.

Jeff: I’m stuck. I’m stuck, I can’t get the seatbelt off.

Susie: Can you help us?

Larry [epiphanous]: I bought an Xacto™ knife.

Jeff: An Xacto™ knife!

Larry: It’s in the car.

Susie: Go get it. Go get it.

Jeff: Great, go get it.

Larry: I’ll cut the seatbelt.

Jeff: Yeah.

Susie: Hurry!

Larry: I told you those blowjobs were dangerous.

Jeff: Come on!

Susie: Get the fucking knife!

Jeff: Fuck!

Susie: Oh, Jeff, I can’t move.

Susie: Hurry!

Larry: No!

Jeff: Come on.

Susie: Get it.

Larry: Ah!

Susie: Get the fucking knife!

Jeff: Oh, come on.

Larry: Ah!

Susie: What the fuck is taking so long?

Larry: Ah!

Jeff: Come on.

Larry: Ah! Ah!

Susie: Oh my God! I smell gas.

Larry: Ah!

Transcript - Curb Your Enthusiasm - Season 07, Episode 02